I Switched From Coffee To Mud\Wtr And Turned Into A 50-Foot Willow Tree

I write this without any jitters while a young kid plays his Nintendo Switch against my trunk!

I’ll be the first to admit it, I thought I’d never be able to cut out coffee. Back when I had coworkers (I don’t anymore because I’m currently a tree in the woods), they used to joke that I need a coffee IV hooked up to my arm — hilarious and true. So I was skeptical when targeted with the Mud Wtr ads on Instagram (an app I no longer interact with because Mud Wtr turned my entire body into a rooted tree). But the list of impossibly earthy organic ingredients had me wondering if I really could get a natural energy kick without the crash and jitters. When I made my first cup, still a biped living in Queens, USA, my first thought was, this tastes like shit, is this a joke? If I’m honest, I really missed my Dunkin medium roast, and I definitely didn’t feel a modicum of “energy”. But what I did feel was a strong foundation for plant life percolating in the base of my stomach.

As the days went on I continued with my daily dose of Mud Wtr, motivated by the promise of improved athletic performance and increased energy. I mostly wanted to get higher than 12,500th on Peloton rides. While my newfound morning routine mostly just helped me realize I should probably be getting enough sleep more than anything else, it also made me realize my skin was turning into bark and my hair turning into long, whispering willow tree leaves. Even my coworkers said I seemed different! A friend suggested I see a doctor, or maybe just stop drinking Mud Wtr. But the tin said not to be afraid of natural changes to your body, as the Lion’s Mane is known to address deficiencies in the mind, body, and soul. Plus, at this point my limbs were branches and my entire face was a hollow cavity in the trunk where birds were starting to nest, so I didn’t have a way to even get to my doctor! As it turns out, my deficiency was that I was a human and not a full grown willow rooted to the ground, providing a prime spot for the neighborhood kids to play hide and seek.

I chuckle to myself remembering my coffee days, when I used to crash at 2:30pm. What a waste of productivity. Now, I don’t crash at all because I am a literal gorgeous 50 foot high umbrella of a tree in a Taylor Swift song and I’m not even alive really, in like a human sense, and certainly not to the extent that anyone would measure my productivity. Mud Wtr changed my entire life, by turning me into a tree, and eliminating all anxiety related to being horrific at Peloton. 10/10